Fanmail

Thu, Jan 1, 2009

Fan Mail (aka most of the time Hate Mail)

And so here we are….we have come full circle. When I had my first webpage I let my web guy answer all my emails that came to the site. I also emailed them back but mine were no where near as funny as BibleBob. The following entries are in my opinion hilarious and still to this day make me howl. I am not biblebob so please do not ask. This will be updated in the future…email me and lets get this friendship ball rolling for biblebob. He is still around and looking for people to share his love for peameal bacon.

Yes, believe it of not, folks, Canada’s favorite rabid little monkey actually gets fan mail. Here are a few favorites. If you’d like to write us, please send your comments to uglytoes@hotmail.com. A 100% guarantee you’ll get a letter back from either me Biblebob or Darren Frost himself. Hate mail is encouraged, mainly because it makes us laugh. Thanks to everyone who took the time to submit their letters.

We have also replaced the old forum by simply allowing you to leave comments on this post! Simply scroll down and leave your comments! To view the comments left in the old forum, go here

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hey man,

just wanted to send a quick shout to say your set was fkn hilarious…..caught it this past weekend at YukYuk’s Vancouver….i have told a few friends back in the GTA and have advised that they check out your show in early May in Mississauga…..they are definitely “big shooter” material, so i’ll also advise they sit front row…..

the one dude will especially enjoy your “gum in the ass” take.., as his experience was with a lollipop…

can’t say I’ve ever had candy stuck in my ass though.

take care,

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Hey Darren,

I was at your show on Saturday in Montreal at Comedyworks and your the best comedian I have seen since Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy (well i haven’t seen them live but I haven’t laughed like that I’m ages!) I thought your material was great and you should push it even further. What I loved about your routine was that no one was safe, you made fun of things that are considered taboo, and I think it was the funniest shit I’ve ever heard in my life.

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Hi Darren Frost this is BIG SHOOTER and I just want to let you know that I’m coming for you big boy… If you wake up at 2a.m and see a shadow or feel a presence looming above you it’ll be me standing over you holding an ice pick. The reason why I couldn’t respond to your questions fast enough was because I was wondering what your head would look like on a stick… You don’t know who you were fucking with happy man, you don’t know what I’m capable of.

Better be watching your back FROSTY cause I’ll be sitting front row at your next show.

Yours Truly,

BIG SHOOTER

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Darren i saw your show 2 days in a row in ottawa, you are a dick. i want to have dinner with you cause as you so blatantly put it all our lives are shit, so why not have dinner with the dickhead that lets us all know just to give myself a happy reminder that… well… my life is shit. all i know is as far is comics go you make me laugh like i am sure your wife does when you pull your pants down. haha. i hope this is a real contest cause that would rock

sincerely cam

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Hey Darren,

I was at your show with XXX and XXXXX on Friday and wanted to let you know despite some idiots in the audience I thought you were awesome. We had a big group and everyone enjoyed to the max.

Hope to see you around.

Kraft Dinner gives me diarrhea.

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Hi! Darrin!!

Great show last night in London. I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes!! I just wanted to thank you again for the tickets. I caught your show about five years ago in London. I sat in the front row that night and you totally ripped me and my date. We still talk about that night. Anyway, last night we sat in the upper lounge and laughed our butt’s off as you ripped into someone else in the front row. GREAT JOB!!!

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Hi there,

I was lucky enough to be at the late show Sat. March 12 at London Yuk Yuk’s. Bra-fucking-vo on ripping that dickhead in the front row a new one. It was one of the best shows I have ever seen, and will continue to tell people about it for years to come.

You made my night with your verbal bitch-slapping!!

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hey i saw your show at yuk yuk’s on friday in barrie. great stuff! i laughed my ass off!! i never thought i could laugh so hard the same day as breaking up with my girlfriend!

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My husband and I saw your performance last night in Kingston. You were absolutely amazing! You floored us with your wickedly funny show. Midgets, monkeys, ripped off arms, big headed babies, nail chewing, fuckees and being berated by the headliner will make us laugh for days and weeks to come.

Just for interest sake we were in the audience for the 730 show on Saturday. The reason I add this is because I felt we were in an audience that from the comedians perspective was a tough crowd. I found that the host and comedian before you, took awhile to get us laughing. It was near the end of the other comedians monologue before he actually got really funny then he was done…..then you came out…like a 100 mph wind that knocked us all sideways. I can actually describe like feeling all my senses were being shocked and that your peircing eyes were making the audince be your fuckees for the night under your command!!!! You have an overwhelming presence on stage and will be a comedian my hubby and I will seek to see again. I hope your other shows in Kingston had a more relaxed crowd.

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I just have to say here Darren you made a public ass of yourself, in a curb side comidy you asked 3 ladies what 5 devided by 3 was, you tried to make them look stupid and came up with your bright ass reply of “it’s 1.33 and 1/3 each, you fight over the third”. Well Good morning dumb ass the right answer is 1.66 infinitive, the moral is don’t make ppl look stupid when you are too.

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Darren I would be honored if you would be kind enough to share a meal with me and my family. Since Dad got off the coke things haven’t been the same and i think your comedic talents would be just the thing to lift his spirits. My invilid brother would also like you to come. (He can’t talk but I can see it in his eyes.) As our guest of honor , we would also let you carve the raccoon. (hint: the belly meat is the most tender so make sure you get some) You could even spend the night and we could drink some of pop’s dandelion wine, I usaully drink half a bottle then fill the rest up with piss so he dosen’t find out, so no worries.

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HI there Darren, i saw you valentines show in Kingston on, obviously February 14th. OH wait i was your show, actually i am Fucky. The 20 year old that sat in the front row, that you graciously called Fucky.

Just figured that i would email you saying thanks for the great show i really enjoyed myself. You are great at audience interaction. Plus my date figured that she then owed me something, since she decided to sit front row center.

You were right i was Fucky that night, haha thanks again i owe you.

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Clarification for below content: All comments from Darren or BibleBob can be found in bold. We cannot be held responsible for what the others (aka freaks or fans) wrote, we are just “sharing this information with you”… enjoy!

A letter to me from Darren received. Apparently Darren didn’t like the comments I wrote about Steve Smith aka Red Green in the TV/Film Clips Section of the web page. This is what I originally wrote:

“Here’s some clips of Darren in the new Red Green movie. Imagine a movie about duct tape, Possum Lodge, and Harold. Or should I say the usual Steve Smith formula.” You’ll notice he didn’t bitch when I dissed that hack Mike Bullard calling him the “best Canadian talk show host since Alan Thick”.

This is what Darren wrote.

Hey Bob,

Could you please change the info on the tv clips page. Not so anti red green if possible (I know I am wousing out but he was very nice to me and it seems a little harsh). Thanks

And this is what I wrote back…

Re: You fuckin’ lamo whore! See originally I was going to go with… “They don’t often red light a large scale Canadian movie like this. Watch it and see why.” I thought that was too negative and I didn’t want to be negative even though it’s the truth. Then I wrote… “Watch Steve Smith milk the Red Green schtick for yet another decade.” Which is again is true but negative. Hey, I like the show. Who doesn’t like Red Green? So what if he’s been doing it for a long time. Finally, I came up with… “…the usual Steve Smith formula.” Which ironically I meant as a total compliment.

So then you write back being a real sucky poo, I don’t want to shit in my own cereal, pussy. Why? Because Steve Smith was nice to you on the set and didn’t ask you for a handjob. Tell the truth, whore. You don’t want all that Red Green money to dry up, do you? You’re just thinking of your wallet. Well, here’s what I am writing. “I hope Red Green and Harold both get ass cancer. Oh, and here’s some pictures from their movie.” By the way, I’m going to publish your letter in “Funky Fan Mail” just to show your fans what a hack you are. And the best part is there isn’t shit you can do about it because you don’t even know the password to your own fuckin’ web page. You don’t hate, Darren. You only act like you hate. You let met down. Better change your act to political satyr. Quiter. From now on do your own webpage, Bob – Okay,so I’m still doing the webpage and if you go to TV/Film Clips you’ll see that the above is not what I actually ended up writing.

The Wet Monkey went out and bought me a bunch of DVD’s. I guess that makes us both whores. I still think the special addition of “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” was worth it.

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A series of hate mail received Feb 8/01.

“Yup, a bitter heckler that Darren hacked on at a show. Read as they debate the constitution. I recently saw your cookie-cutter comedy act. Nothing but by-the-numbers material at Yuk-Yuks I see. Here’s a hint: you might be able to get laughs from jokes about midgets and homosexuality, but that’s only because your fans, like you, are uneducated, dirty, poorly-read philistines. It does not mean, however, that your material has worth. Much like you, your material is worthless. It may seem petty to write to you, but I just thought you should know that, though you are short, bald, and ugly with bad teeth and a bad posture, and though your lifetime achievement is winning an award for hawking the shit that so well represents you, you still have something to contribute. Not intelect because whatever intelligence you might have had has been wasted on your painfully lame comedy act. Not sexual conquerings because you are certainly too revolting to appeal to anything more than the monkey species you attach yourself to. And not success because, if you were any good, you wouldn’t be playing lame events like just-for-laughs. Nope, what you have to live for is hatred. If you’re not going to spew venemously, who will? Oh, wait. Everyone does. I guess you are truly worthless. Expecting a typically contrived response, “Nick”

LOL! Watch the little wet monkey get mad over this letter!

Wow lorne good for you (here is where the contrived response starts…so get ready) it sounds like you were in the front row of one of my shows and I centered you out. I am sorry I did not talk to you the way your parents do at the dinner table. You wanted a response and since I have so much time on my hands here we go paul

1) if I am a cookie cutter comic then you are watching more comedy then myself. Where do you go?

2) save the uneducated crack since I am educated and live in a trailer park as well.

3) I always admit that I am a whore….but will you admit that you were nothing but a young boy wearing a red hat backwards at a comedy show who just did not get it?

4) Poorly read…damn how did you know……and just for laughs lame…well it is the worlds largest and most respected comedy festival but I am sure a child who lives in his parents basement and turns tricks at the local YMCA could do a much better job of booking a comedy festival.

5) My lifetime achievement is not for hocking some shit but you are too feable minded to do any research of what I do so why bother explaining

6) My act is based in hate and if you do not like it complain to yukyuks and see how far it gets you. Freedom of speech is not just a term for your limp bizkit records. Did I go too far the night you were there maybe ….but did you act like an ass yourself …maybe good luck with your life. I am sure you are a good guy who just felt embarrased in front of your friends and you will get over it. If you want free tickets to another show I can arrange some for you when I know that happy clappy fun comics are on the show and that there is nothing that will hurt your ears. and since you noticed and expressed your feelings for my appearence I would like to do the same: you are a nice looking cut young man who I am sure can hold himself inside and outside the bedroom. You take time to shop for the best clothing for your age and it not only suits you but complements your young boy figure. Your posture is impeccable and you look like you have a washboard stomach. Wow if I was just a young dreamy girl maybe we could of hooked up. Well that is as much of a contrived response that I could muster. thank you for the letter and I will be reading it live on stage at a show on sunday feb 17th at Clintons on Bloor. Show time is around 9. All the best to you and your family. Darren www.comedywhore.com ps: I do not remember doing homosexual material. I remember the line about pedophiles but not gays……hmmm maybe I should review the tape. Also when you get a little older you will see the humour in anger…right now it is just too far through the trees for you

Here we go again! Spreading the hate! “Nick” can’t help but retort. Darren returns his comments by actually inserting them in the letter. That’s a really effective way to argue in an e-mail if you haven’t seen that before. Can you tell I’m being sarcarstic?

My name is neither Nick nor Lorne. Lorne is my father, my name is Alex. Now that we legitimately know each other, this is the last e-mail I am ever going to send you. I do not regret saying what I did, for I mean most of it. I should have, however, used much more tact in the situation. You are still unfunny, unappealing, and, for the most part, hateful, but I am no better than what I condemn when if I act the same.

D inserts – yes you should have. I am unfunny ..unappealing and hateful to you. Most people feel otherwise so sorry but different strokes for different folks.

I will never like you, but I do feel that everyone should be given some form of respect. I suppose I’m too touchy, but that is what set me off at Yuk Yuk’s. Maybe I do like “happy clappy fun” comics, or maybe I just don’t like paying $10 to be demeaned for twenty minutes. At this point, when you are reading this letter to you audience, it might be ideal to describe me as a “pussy” or “little shit” or whatever might be funny. Remember, I have no sense of humor.

D inserts – I was on stage for six minutes…so maybe use the ten bucks on a new watch I will simply read the letter you sent and the one I sent back and say that people are too touchy…your words actually do the job of hanging yourself

On a legal level, don’t try arguing the freedom of speech thing with me. I’m pre-law at U of T and I know that the Constitution does not guarantee hate speak. In fact, if you do some research, you’ll find that centering someone out for the purpose of humiliation and degredation among a large group of people is classified under Second Degree Assault. I didn’t need Limp Bizkit to tell me that.

D inserts-in a public place you are correct prelaw student but you were not in a park but in a place that comedy is going on and since I never said anything truly hateful about you other then “fuck you you little punk” after you said I was not funny. Your accusation would never standup and you know that. Considering I have taken law at university (Come one, Darren, let’s not exaggerate. “If you can walk and talk, you can go to Brock”. Why not tell him about the lame course you took on human sexuality? By the way, dipshit, no one is going to believe you are “educated” when you don’t bother to punctuate.) we all know what would happen You paid to go to a comedy show and then sat up front and then made an ass of yourself just like you feel I did. You have friends there for witnesses and I have spoke to many comics and emailed your letter to them and they believe what I did was not that harsh. As well I have contacted yuk yuks and send them the letter. This will only been seen at two guys getting there backs up and then you continued by emailing me. Just remember that… I did not stick around and say anything else to you or about you.

I don’t know how you are taking any of this. You’re probably scoffing, or laughing, or mocking me. That’s fine. I wrote the first letter when I was overcome by anger. Now that I feel differently, I just can’t muster up the hate.

D inserts – I mocked you only in the first letter cause you went too far and you know you did. You know that I could have been harsher but you are the one with the anger problem obviously.

The only thing I can do is wish you the best in life. Life’s much too short to spend all your time making enemies. The “hawking shit” comment seemed to land the hardest, so I’d like to apologize for that, too. I suppose writing such a candid, well-meant letter will only open me up to more mocking. Fair enough. Go for it. I only ask that when you read the e-mail at Clinton’s, you leave out the adress. There are too many other assholes in the world for me to deal with, so if you have any decency at all, leave it at just the comments. Alex (aka “Nick”) P.S. Just For Laugh’s is lame because the comics are boring. Simple enough.

D inserts -I am not saying this as a threat (Yes you are! Admit it, Darren! You want to put a cap in this punk’s ass!) but you should not send emails of this nature from this account. If I was a truly hateful comic and it was not an act.., I would have read your name and email address. There are too many assholes in the world “nick” and too many people who are a little too uptight as well. This will be the last time I email you since you emailed back a somewhat intelligent response

First off, Alex, pre-law at U of T means pre-“fuck all”. Second, the best comics in the world do the Montreal “Just For Laughs” festival. I can understand you not liking comedy but why go to stand-up show? And what’s up with everybody wishing everybody “the best of luck”? These two idiots hate one another.

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Received Jan 18/02

Do you personally know Darren Frost, or do you not keep in touch anymore?

Mostly, I just tell people I admire him from a far. Up close he’s not very attractive. Thank you for writing the Little Darren Frost Comedy Page. You questions and/or comments are appreciated.

Regards,

Biblebob

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Received Jan 5/02

Hi my name’s Gary, I’m a 26 year old unimployed, heterosexual drifter with no fixed address. My turn ons include long walks on the beach, catapillars and butterscotch pudding. I like women with fat ankles and braces, and I’m rather insecure about the circumference of my neck. Anyhoo my reason for contacting you is that I’ve somehow managed to end up in London, Ont and I’d like to find someone or somewhere that I could submit some jokes/ideas and find out the inards of the comedy writting process. Comedy is what I need to and should be doing, up to this point I’ve just been to discombobulated to realize it. Any advice will surely be appreciated and will no doubt help me climb my way out of this dirty, dna stained halfway house.

Thanks–G

Again, I forgot what I wrote back to this guy. Something like “don’t give up the dream” and a whole bunch of advice that won’t work. Personally, I like his chances.

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Received Jan 5/02 Mr.

Frost: My life is flashing before my bloodshot eyes! Here it is Thursday, January 3rd and I have yet to receive LAST WEEK’s Pennysaver!!!!!!!!!!!!

How am I to know where to find turnip on sale?

Can you pull a few strings and help a bowed and nearly-defeated man out?

Larry XXXXx

Dear Larry,

Thank you for writing the Little Darren Frost Comedy Page. Your questions and/or comments are appreciated. As for the turnip, try Food Basics. As for the bloodshot eyes, try Visine (it’s got me through more than one R.I.D.E. stop). And as for your missing Pennysaver, for the record, there was no Pennysaver issued the week of Dec 23. As you will recall, it was Christmas (probably explains all the decorations). Please don’t hesitate to write us again with more of your quires. We may not be able to tell you where you left your car keys, but we may be able to explain why your friends and family fondly refer to you as “moron”.

Happy New Year,

Biblebob “Webmaster”

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Received Dec 28/01

Hey ugly toes have a trivia question for you! The show Webster with Emmanual Lewis, what was the parents names? Wasn’t the dad an ex football player? and what was the mom’s real name and show name? can you please send to me? my e mail is jake@XXXXX thanks and have a good one like your web site very cool!

Dear Jake,

Thank you for writing the Little Darren Frost Comedy Page. Your questions and/or comments are appreciated. To answer your question regarding Emmanuel Lewis. Yes, the show “Webster” did revolved around ex-football player George Papadapolis adopting a vertically challenged negro child. The following is a list of the characters and their real names:

Cast overview: Emmanuel Lewis …. Webster Long

Alex Karras …. George Papadapolis

Susan Clark …. Katherine Calder-Young Papadapolis

Pretty clever, huh? Next time try looking it up on the web yourself, fuck nut!

Best personal regards,

Biblebob “Webmaster”

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Contest entry received Dec 14/01

hey big shooter… we would love to have you to our home for dinner…my husband thinks you would be the perfect dinner guest as you are shorter, balder and in worse shape than he is. and feels that you would be no threat to me…we have caught your show twice in ajax and would be so honoured to have you in our home. as for paying your way to get here we feel you would have no problem hitch hiking especailly if you stopped at those road side rest areas!!!…well we hope to see you soon…and have a merry christmas..don’t eat to much stuff’n’such!!

julie and bill XXXXX

p.s. could you send my husband an autographed photo of yourself…thanks

I hope naked is okay. Lady, I hate to say this, but I think your husband might be a a fag.

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Received Nov 29/01

just thought i’d write you a note to say that i think you’re hilarious! can’t wait for that headstones video to come out, should be great. i was that chick sitting on their tour bus in Thorold, wearing the red and black tiger print jacket. i’m a friend of trent and sara’s. anyway, you rock! i would have said something to you, but i was sick…and felt like shit. go figure. -Aimee

Dear Aimee,

Thank you for writing the Little Darren Frost Comedy Page. Your questions and/or comments are appreciated and will be forwarded to Canada’s number one wet love monkey ASAP. Please be patient waiting for a response. It’s not just the volume of the e-mail we receive, it’s the fact Darren types with one finger. Now about your hanging out on the Headstone’s bus wearing a red and black tiger print jacket…Remember, dear, you have a friend in Jesus (even Jesus likes sluts!). And telling the Headstones that will only make them respect you that much more.

I pray for your soul,

Biblebob “Webmaster”

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Personal e-mail sent to wrong address Oct 20/01 I always wanted a penpal!

Hi Laurelle!

How is everything at your end of the world? Just to update you, I resigned from work at the end of June and have not worked since. I will be actively looking for work starting next week. I have renovated most of the upstairs, put in hardwood laminate, livingroom, diningroom, hallway and my bedroom. Lots of paint, some new accent pieces, and wow! new digs! It really is quite delightful now, plus CLEAN, most of the time! I now have baseboards in all rooms for the first time in 5 years. I have gone with the safari theme, everything is black, brown, gold…very cool! Lots of wicker. When you don’t work you sure have time to scope out the bargins. I will have to send some pictures. My children are fine, Natalies not been the same since we came back from vacation, she has attended school every day, getting up herself, and her average is 84%, she has just been great. Lots of motivation all of a sudden. She sure is a cheerful kid now, she is working also, for NovaTec Direct, four hours after school earning $10.00 per hour. Not bad eh! She even manages to do homework, and chat on ICQ each night. The joke in our household, is that Natalie is earning the highest wage at this time…..too funny! Nigel is still working full time at EastSide Mario’s, still going to school, still studying Physcology. He is well, works out at the Y a couple of times a week, and still is dating Kari. Natalie and Nigel still fight over who will be ruler of the computer! Sometimes it is nasty. I am fine, other than unemployed and poor. It has been wonderful to be home, but my midlife retirement is now over and I must get back to work, still have a mtge. to pay! I am still seeing Ian, although he has taken up bow hunting, and target practices almost every night, then hunts every weekend. Keeps telling me the end of November and hunting season is almost over. Yeah right. Stayed over at his house last night, he just had a back door, window and deck put in, should be finished today. When I arrived last night, he asked if I liked his big Deck or his little Deck better! Smutty guy….. I am working for Jim Morrison, my BMW friend, just as his personal assistant, paying bills, checking his home, buying his kid birthday gifts, banking, etc. Pays not too bad, and it is easy, my own hours. I have to take the BMW in today for service, and pick up a truck for him. Sound pretty tough or what? Well I must run, say hi to girls and Ron!

Love you long time, take care.

Wilma-Lee

Hi Wilma-Lee,

Thank you for writing the Little Darren Frost Comedy Page. Your comments and/or suggestions are appreciated. To be perfectly honest, Little Darren and I both enjoyed your letter very much. In fact, after reading about the adventures of young Natalie and Nigel, we almost felt as though we were Laurelle ourselves. And it wasn’t just the fact we were wearing pantyhose at the time. About the safari theme in the rec room. Big mistake. I’m no decorator (too macho!) but to me, safari theme equals jungle theme and if you’ve ever been to Graceland, you’d know that style belongs in the grave with it’s master mind the King of Rock and Roll. Plus wicker furniture is so eighties. Please visit us again at www.comdeywhore.com But more imporantly, send us more letters.

Hugs and smiles,

Biblebob – Webmaster

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Series of letters Sep 9-22 ,2001.

Started with someone signing our Guestbook. from Naughtymaids.com (Okay, a desperate attempt for me to get laid on the internet!)

Hi Biblebob!

Thank you for thanking me for signing your guestbook (does that make sense?). Thanks also for saying “hubba hubba” to my breasts! Anyway, it seems your guestbook entry got truncated, but to answer your question, which I assume is “do you get a discount if you go topless” the answer is no, unfortunately 🙂 How did you get your nick? Say hi to Darren for me. He doesn’t know me, but I know someone whose spouse knows him etc, I can’t tell you because I’d have to kill you…you know how it is 🙂

Jasmine http://www.geocities.com/naughtymaids

Dear Jasmine,

Thank you for responding to my inquiry regarding a discount for topless maid service. It is with deep regret that I receive the news that a discount isn’t available for my own disrobing. In light of your response, I am afraid I will have stay with my current cleaning service and continue to take my clothes off in front of them. I realise this may seem odd especially since they keep their clothes on. The whole thing is done just to make me more comfortable having a stranger in my house. For the record, I have yet to receive any complaints. The nick name is an interesting story. Perhaps too long for an e-mail. It also involves nudity, raisons, me covered in honey and being pelted with bibles in a public place. High school can be so cruel.

Regards, Bob

Bob,

I am very sorry you do not want to have me clean your place topless. You said you disrobe in front of your current maid service, even though they keep their clothes on. I doubt anyone would discount you for this. In fact, I bet they charge you more! Well, unless you stay out of sight, then they might be okay with it…but still, the thought of it! 🙂 Anyway, why don’t you recommend it to Darren? He is a quasi celebrity, he should be able to afford me….or a bunch of maids 🙂

Let me know!

And you still haven’t explained your nick!

Jasmine

Okay, this is where I stopped writing back. I wanted sex, she wanted money. It was just getting too sleasy. What do you expect from a whore anyway?

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Two Contest Entries received Aug 14/01

Dear Darren, you will choke on my curried chicken,- no one else’s. I will not pay for you to come to toronto unless you agree to travelling in a duffel bag from wherever it is you reside. I will have plenty of canned Schlitz, and we will talk about that smell fat ladies make when they sweat in their panty hose. Sound like fun?….blah blah blah. You’ll probably never write me back, Ian

I’ve never seen you perform,- I read about you in eye. I’ve seen ten year olds with better websites. send all the prize information to: istuart@XXXXXX Darren, I will make you food. We will get drunk. You will ejaculate on your puppet. I will send you home on the Go train back to Brantford. istuart@XXXXXX win me this contest Darren, come on Darren, my parents want to meet you.

Actually I forgot to save what I wrote back to this weirdo. All I can say is on behalf of Darren, thank you Eye Magazine.

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Personal e-mail received July 29/01

Hi Alison,

This is my new e-mail address, I got it yesterday. I’m gonna miss Oscar he’s such a great teacher! And he’s even better when he’s not in class. He had Jason and I do some scarey lifts I would tell you what they are but they’re to hard to explain. I didn’t like dancing with Jason but oh well….not my choice… So how are you? I hope you and your family are fine. I’m looking forward to the next week of camp. I hope you’ll be there!

Write later.

*Love Always* ~*NAPHTALI*~

Napthali,

Oh my God! You danced with Jason! Totally gross! Definetly not my choice either! He didn’t try anything, did he? I can’t believe I used to like him. He’s so sweaty all the time and smells like cabbage. Camp sounds really cool though I’m not sure that I’ll be there. I have a sneaking suspician that they probably won’t admit 30 year old men with overbites. And I don’t see why not. I like to dance too! Anyway thanks for sending your personal e-mail to the “Little Darren Frost Comedy Page”. We’re always looking to build up our younger fan base, though it means less cursing. With your parents permission, please visit us at www.comedywhore.com Stay in school forever – So you never have to get a job!

Hugs and smiles,

Biblebob “Webmaster”

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Received Jul 10/01

Hi Darren

Its me, Kim, MnMPeanut from IRC. How are ya? Must be keeping busy, I haven’t seen you online in awhile. I was going to ask if that was you in the Canadian Tire commercial as well, but your web page just confirmed that. I still love the Listerine commercial, too funny 🙂 I didn’t see any Winnipeg tour dates though, hint hint haha Anyways, hope everything is good and that you may come through town here soon.

Take care,

Kim

Dear Miss Peanut,

Thank you so much for writing the Little Darren Frost Comedy Page. Your comments/opinions/and or complaints are appreciated. In fact, lately, we’re thankful to still get e-mail at all. Ever since the “jello incident” in the Toronto Sun, Little Darren’s fans seem to write him less and less. And as far as Winnipeg tour dates…..Ever think of entering our Win A Dinner With Darren contest? For the mere price of $432.00 for airline ticket and a tuna casserole, Little Darren can be yours for the entire evening (snuggling extra). Thanks for visiting the webpage. Your letter is being forwarded to Kingston Penitentiary to the Little Frostmeister himself. Please don’t inquire why.

Sincerely,

Biblebob

“World’s Sexiest Webmaster” Side note: Yup, Darren’s still searching for free sex on IRC!

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Personal mail received June 9/01

TO: My sweet Carla,

I miss you more than you know,i hope you are acting like you have home training,lol You better be. I Love You!!

This is either from a lesbian or some woman writing her dog.

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Contest Entry May 26-27/01

Dear Darren,

About three years ago my wife and I had the privilage to bust a gut upon seeing you perform at Yuk Yuks Comedy Club in Kitchener. Yes your head was Fucking Weird, and this is when I started to think….I’ve seen this guy before….It dawned on me that the I saw you when my parents came through your house when you lived on ***** in ***********. Having bought your old house and grown up in the middle of bumfucknowhere I understand the torment and loneliness you must have felt out here. I had your old room for many years before moving out on my own and getting married. I now live not far down the road from where you once lived and mom and dad still live having grown to love the solitude of the country. We get a kick out of seeing you on tv and joking about you having lived in my old room. There has been a lot of changes to the house since you left, a full rec room was put in, most of the carpets and paint changed (mind you that brown carpet in the living room stayed for a hell of a long time!) there is a pool in the back yard, and a carpet store! Yes a carpet store. So a lot has been done since you left. As far as making you dinner, I make mean steaks, potatoes, any kind of homemade pasta and some wicked corn flakes! So shit I don’t know, my hitch is I have your old house, and if you’d like to come and see it I’ll cook ya dinner, that and Sue ****** would probably do some PR for ya being local and all! Jello Dreams

Chad **************

Bob wrote back:

Your contest entry is being forwarded to Little Darren Frost who’s currently on the set of the Red Green movie in Cayuga…Not acting, just hanging around trying to get arrested for loitering. I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed growing up in Darren’s old room. I hope you took the time to scrub the cum stains off the walls. Remember, it was 1985, Darren was fourteen, Madonna was topping the charts, rugger pants, Miami Vice jackets and leather ties were in fashion, and unfortunately, so was masterbation. Lot’s and lots of masterbation. Steak sounds good. So does pasta. Actually, so does gas money…. Great contest, huh? Thought of it all by myself. I’m sick of feeding him.

XOX,

Bob

Chad wrote back:

K, this is to Biblebob,

Now is it Bible Bob or Billie Bob, hard to read. LOL when you replied, it went to my moms computer, she was ummm, let’s just say she was surprised to find out what exactly that was we cleaned off those walls. We thought the guy had some artistic talent and liked to use glue sticks. I’ll be sure not to let the grandkids know what used to live in their bedroom. So Bob, do you still reside in Brantford? Or did you ever? Gods hole in the world. Ah Brantford, the land of jello dreams! I used to live in the city across from one of the local city parks. We never had or needed cable there. Saturdays included…domestic violence, drunkards fighting, muggings, The Push Start Packie Shop getting robbed, car accidents, 2 am drag races, and yes even a spectacular stabbing at Easter. Nothing like rising with the Lord to get you going. Ah those were the days, all the neighbours would get together and drink good old 50 beer. For fun we would (and this may help Darren with is bad dreams about racoons) play t-ball with the back yard garbage diggers. Ya never heard a thud till you heard old coon eyes hit the pavement from the second story. The best was the bi weekly visit of either the fire department or ambulence to the retirment village across the way, or evening bets on which scitzo could wander the farthest down the block and remember his way back to the retirment village. Ah those were the days. Are those your real gums? Man the ladies must dig you. I bet they call you the Cunnilingus King! I dig your hairy belly. Once at camp our consuller had one like that. upon arriving he pulled up his shirt, squeezed his belly together and said “Boys, this is what we are looking for this summer!” Hey chat later Bob jello dreaming

Chad

Bob wrote back:

“….domestic violence, drunkards fighting, muggings, The Push Start Packie Shop getting robbed, car accidents, 2 am drag races, and yes even a spectacular stabbing at Easter…” I swore I read that exact line on the City of Brantford tourism website. And I don’t know about being the “Cunnilingus King”, but I do play a mean harmonica if that counts for anything.

Hugs and smiles,

Biblebob

P.S.Tried that thing you mentioned with my stomach…Cool! Since I lost weight though, it looks more like a vagina than a big hairy bum. I have to go and stand in —front of the mirror now. Bye.

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Contest Entry April 10/01

“I’ll Feed You and Fuck Your Brains Out” RE: Contest to have dinner with Darren.

This is what will happen….. after I feed you. WHOOPS apparently I’ve been drinking this evening and will have to reconsider my offer. Since we’ve been friends for a while maybe “BOB” could stand in for a while, ID FEED HIM RRREEEAAAAALLLL GOOD. Since I’m lazy he’d still have to do the dishes too.

Signed FUCKED UP IN BRANTFORD

Bob wrote back:

“You Win A Dinner With Darren!” On behalf of the “Win Dinner With Darren Contest”, I’d like to thank you for your most interesting contest entry. After evaluating the content of your letter and your apparent confusion of Brantford with the state of West Virginia, we at the “Little Darren Frost Comedy Page” must reluctantly decline your generous offer. So, contrary to the posted subject, you lose. Pretty mean trick, huh? Remember, if it looks like a pig and it smells like a pig, it’s probably not a potential sex partner.

XOX

Biblebob

P.S. Best of luck with them dishes, y’all.

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Recieved Mar 4/01

Hey Darren, just wanted to drop you a quick to say hi. This is Mike (Merle Ann’s nephew) from Edmonton. We saw your show just before Christmas here in Edmonton. The show fucking rocked man, great time. Even the boozer that went on after you had us nearly pissing ourselves. Thanks again for hokking us up with some more free passes. We haven’t had a chance to get back yet, but we hope to pretty soon. After the show you told me to send you an e-mail to check with you which guys we should go see. Upcoming headliners are Kelly Talmage, Kenny Robinson (has a language and content warning, which is a plus),and Tony Krolo. Any must-sees or guys to avoid? Thanks alot Darren, talk to you later.

Mike **** Edmonton

Sure, free tickets. Who wouldn’t like the show. I liked the free haircut I got last week.

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Contest Entry Mar 2-3/01

Hi Darren

My husband and I saw you tonight and before we go to bed and have sex. I just thought I would drop you a line and let you know you we great tonight. I think you and I share the same therapist because I also say good for me all the time. Mostly in bed but in time I think I will beable to use my inner voice so my husband isn’t so distracted. Anyway I am acclaimed in the culinary arts I think my husband and I could entertain you for a night at our table. If you have a dirty mind I wasn’t nisuating anything but a great meal. Hope this intices you

Tristine **** and Sulev *****

Darren wrote back:

hi tristine and Sulev thanks for the kind words….I am in barrie both friday and saturday night and if we can get a hold of each other I say why not. Do you have a hot sister cause I do have a dirty mind let me know darren – You mean “Help I’m really desperate to get laid so I have to exploit my fans.” At least that’s what I thought you wrote.

Tristine wrote back:

I just checked my e-mail. To bad I checked it to late we had a feast fit for a king last night and some friends over. Tonight we have plans but the next time your in Barrie a feel like a great home cooked meal. Well “mi casa a su casa.”Our home number is ******* call when your going to be in town again. Tristine and Sulevugly

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Received Feb 14/01

Darren,

Glad to see you’re doing so well. Congratulations on your success. Whose voices do you do on Timothy goes to school? I’m a regular viewer, it’s one of my daughter favourite shows. Best wishes on your continued success. Angie ****** (Formerly Angie ***** – DeCew res. Brock – Angela & Brian’s friend – lived across the hall from Craig ****- if that helps)

You and Darren real close, huh? The character Darren plays is the one that says “I’d rather chew my own arm off and @#$% my own ass with it than continue on with this lamo career!” – If that helps. Just kidding. Darren plays one of the Bulldogs in this popular children’s series.

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Recieved Dec 4/00

Hey man, Nice site. I was hoping for some more retard material though… A friend

You want it, you got it.

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Recieved Dec 2/00

Hey Darren,

You fuckin rock although you dissed me up for half the show you are the bomb. Fuck you are so fuckin funny I could not diss you back. So yeah I bet you will use this e-mail for a routine. Like I dissed this 16 year old kid who has never been laid and now he e-mails me Well anywho.

You rock , although you are bitter

a fan

Jared –

Fuckin’-A! Super idea for a routine! Who says teenagers are useless? – Well just the people that hire them I suppose.

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Recieved Nov 30/00 November 28

Dear Darrel

I saw your show today at fanshawe college and before I tell you what I thought, I want you to know a little about me. I do have a sense of humor and I can laugh at myself and others when it is appropriate and tasteful. I want you to understand this without thinking that I just need to lighten up. My best friend who I have known all my life and who has had more to deal with than anyone I know is a midget. She was not there today, thank God, but I was deeply affected by your hurtful comments. You have no ideal what my friend has had to cope with as a young woman and there are so many midgets who have fears regarding social acceptance and anxiety about their body image and about what people think when they see them. Darrel, I know everyone laughed and therefore mission accomplished but when people laugh at someone who has no control over the way they look or who they are, this can be so hurtful and the result of these jokes is our society condoning such behaviour. If you could know for only 5 minutes what it is like for my friend, I would hope you could find the compassion and empathy to understand what I am trying to say. Humiliating someone about something they struggle with every day of their life and who would change everything if they could, can’t be the only thing we have left to laugh at. It just doesn’t seen right When you said today that the next time we, as the audience, see a midget, we are going to laugh, well I know someone one who would want to cry and that can’t be funny. Maybe this letter won’t mean much to you but out of respect and love for my friend I thought I should share this with you. Life is so precious and to think there are people out there going through life in fear of being laughed at just seems so sad. Darrel, good luck with your career. I really do wish you well. Yours Truly, Toni.

“Life is so precious….” Who can argue with that line. Gee, Darrel, show some sensitivity for goodness sake. Lady, you’re writing a person who’s favorite expression is “I’m having more fun that a peodophile in a wave pool “. If the only thing that offended you was the midget bit, I suggest next time you stay and watch the whole show.

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Recieved Dec 1/00

Hey Darren,

The website looks great. I just thought I would drop you a line and let you know. See ya in London next time your down.

John Beaumont, President Fanshawe Student Union

Yeah, I agree! Great work, Darren! Come on everyone! Hurray for Darren! I’m sorry, but does Darren even own a computer let alone know how to make a webpage?

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Recieved Nov 30/00

Hello Darren – its me Merle Anne. I like your page. its dirty Its funny.

So are Darren’s underpants.

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Recieved Nov 28/00

Hey Darren,

I just wanted to drop you a line to renforce what I’m sure you know… You are hillarious. My nameis Kevin, I was the chubby bartender at the gig in Kingston. *Howard Johnsons* I can’t wait till I have the chance to see your act again… Good luck

Kevin

Dear person with the healthy self-image, You may want to wait five years or so before the next gig. It usually takes the little monkey that long to figure out some new jokes.

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Recieved Nov 30/00

Hey Darren,

Your web-site is very weird funny creepy, kind of like watching a car accident, you can’t really help but look. Oh and your friend “Bob” gives me the heebie-jeebies…. Gitte

p.s. Where did you get that doll on your home page? I think I saw a whole bunch of those a couple years ago in a weird little variety/dollar store.They were hysterical and disturbing all at the same time.

Heebie jeebies? I’m sorry but that just plain hurts.

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Recieved Nov 30/00

HEY bud.

Hows it going tonight. Congratulations on the premiere of the movie. It was a good story and you really were the best elf. I called everyone int the family and told them to watch, and everybody said it was a GOOD MOVIE.. I hope things are well, It would be nice to catch up on times when your by this way again, maybe we can shoot some pool or something. If I don’t see you, Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS, and keep up the great work. Take care for now Darren,

Norm

“Santa Who?” a good story? Santa falls out of his sley and gets amnesia. It then takes the faith of one small boy to convince him that he is the real Santa Claus….Come on, Norm. Let’s not get into that old arguement about why “Showgirls” wasn’t nominated for an academy award. The only thing that made me laugh was Red Green was in it.

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Converstation from Oct 23/00 – Dec 3/00

Hello…my name is Lynzi. I am 23 and attend Fanshawe College. My friend Tanya and I are definately your biggest fans. We saw you at Yuk Yuk’s in Hamilton probably 5 or 6 years ago and we’ve been fans ever since. You were so funny. Ha ha good for me. Anyways we love your new commercials. I break out in hysterics every time I see you dressed up as a dime or Hermes. So funny!! Well we just wanted to tell you what big fans we are and hopefully some day we’ll meet the man himself. Congrats on all your success.

Lynzi Michal

Darren wrote:

hi Lynzi I am writing to say thank you for the kind words. To think that someone would remember from such a long time ago. I am coming to fanshawe college in november. I believe it is nov 28th..at noon during their comedy at lunch series. Come out and we will chat afterwards. If you can’t… call your local yuk yuks and ask when I am there next. The more people call, the quicker I am there.

Thanks Again and Good Luck

Darren Frost

Lynzi responded:

Thanks so much for emailing me back. My friend Tanya will be so excited that I heard from the dime man himself. I will totally be there on the 28th and I will definately chat with you afterwards. Good luck…see ya in November!!!!!!

Lynzi

Darren yet again after Lynzi pulled a no-show: (I sense some desperation):

So this is just an email to let you know that I performed at fanshawe yesterday…did you go? Or was it that you were offended with my act now, that you did not want to identify yourself? just wondering

all the best

little darren frost www.comedywhore.com

Lynzi writes (Starting to get a little scared, are we Lynzi?)

hello there…unfortunately I missed school that day because I am sick. I really wanted to go but I was feeling too ill. Anyways I caught the end of that Christmas movie you were in. Good work! Nice costume! You get to wear all the crazy costumes: dimes, Hermes, elves, etc. Anyways sorry I missed the show but if you know of any dates you are playing in Hamilton or London let me know. Talk to you later

Lynzi

(That’a girl!…Use the ol’sick in bed/I’m washing my hair routine. Now give him that 555- phone number.) – I’m sorry but I have to laugh. Is this a cheap and pathetic way to get laid or what?

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Recieved Oct 19/00

I saw your latest t.v commercial (a.k.a.. Hermies). Pretty funny. Hollywood awaits you. Do you perform at YUK-YUKs (Mississauga)? Anyway, drop me an e-mail. Keep up the great work!!!

Chris

Hollywood awaits, yes. But do they ever call? Received every week thus far: Free Satellite System & Free Installation with Free HBO, Cinemax, Showtime plus more… You have been selected for a VERY Special Offer! While Supplies Last, you can get a FREE SATELLITE SYSTEM with FREE PREMIUM PROGRAMMING at an unbelievable deal!… – The satellite people love us enough to write us every week. Other fans like SandraLee@juno.com offer to let us EARN BIG $$$ @ HOME, while TEEN CUM PRINCESSES offer us blow jobs (I keep writing them back telling them I’m already employed, but TEEN PRINCESSES never listen).

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Recieved Oct 03/00

What’s up you mother fucker My Name is Shaun Majumder and we got raped together in camp while doing what we thought were “mushrooms” I still bleed from time to time. I linked onto your page from CFNY. That is awesome man…. Shaun

Please refrain from calling Darren a “mother fucker”. That term is offensive. For your information the only person that makes love to Darren’s mother is Darren’s father (and occasionally myself when I get hammered enough).

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Recieved Sep 25/00

Darren,

Your site is very funny Darren, the Titanic story had me weeping, it remains truly inspirational… I laughed, I cried, it was better then Cats…

Wescott Mann

Yes, and only about half as annoying as “Stomp”.

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Recieved Mar 29/99

This message is for Darren.

There are many times that I am here alone thinking of you. I am paralyzed from the neck down and when I’m down and out I head to you and I feel better about myself knowing that there are other pewople out there whose pathetic lives are worse then mine. thank-you for giving me a reason to go on. There are other times that I wish that I was Leonardo holding you in my arms but I’m paralyzed so you would just fall on the floor. Have you evre thought about the circus? I think you’d be good but what do I know I’m crippled. I once bought a whore and had her put poprocks in her mouth and give me a blowjob but it didn’t work and I got a rash. Would you be my e-mail pal? It takes me awhile to type with my mouth and sometimes the computer crashes because there’s too much saliva on the keyboard but what the hey, will you, could you, be my buddy? If you’d like to contact me you can reach me at ianhab@***

Everyone has to have a target audience.