Film

Thu, Jan 1, 2009

Film
Yes the section we can all enjoy. Watch the blur on the screen and freeze frame the action. Then you can say to your friend “I think I saw Cop #2 suck once at a comedy club” Whether it is three seconds with Michael Douglas or eight seconds with Leslie Neilson…it doesn’t matter it still gets to go on my resume. I still get to brag.

Fever Pitch		What do you get when you cross Jimmy Fallon, The Farrelly Brothers, Drew Barrymore and a fat teacher… .my promo/main press release for the year. Come watch forthe amount of time it takes for Micheal Jackson to find the black spots left on his body… my tour de force. I spent weeks eating twinkies and lying on different parts of my side to get ready for this big role. A little side note: after each take the one farrelly brother said “you are amazing consistent”… that should go on a resume for when I go back to work for blockbuster.


Assault on Precinct 13
		So here is a case where you shoot something and it is way longer when you do it then when it comes out. Then you say “Hey maybe in the special features of the dvd I will be in it for more” A big fat NO. The big time…lines in a big hollywood feature…cut down from 7 to one..and not a funny one either. My parents watched the film and asked “where were you”. I told them I was the black mover in the scene I am in. I said they didn’t know it was me cause I was acting. A little side note: look for hugh dillon in the beginning of the film die like a good cop.

All You Got		So this was a small picture some guys were making on the fly and asked me if I was interested in playing a part in it. To be honest I had never really met any of them before but they heard I can play angry and weird like peanut butter and chocolate go together. So once again I went to some abandoned warehouse and screamed for a few hours and then eight months later I get a ticket to the release. It turned out way better then you expect with these kinds of things. I still use the footage for my demo reel cause lord knows I don’t have enough crazy on it.


Milo 55160		This was a short film that was done for the canadian film center. See Stranded below for more info on the center. So I had worked earlier in the year with this great director and he asked me to play this part of a guy who had died and is in kinda like a weigh station of life. This is the second time I have worked with Patrick Mckenna and it was a great time had by all. This short film has won many awards and has been screened at many of the top festivals shorts and features. It recently won a genie award and I could not go to the party cause Daddy has to pay the rent by yelling at the kids in small towns.


Santa Who
		The bigtime working for Disney…..oh boy oh boy. This actually turned out to be a nice little movie that could. It did well for Disney at the time. A Christmas movie where I did my best Elton John elf impression for cash. You should see me with fake ears on and singing “somebody saved my life tonight” Brings tears to my eyes still.It airs some years on the family channel and is also available on DVD in some regions. Nothing really shocking to be told. I was Tmmy Davidson’s sidekick. The only dirt is that the other two elves where paid as extras and I made serious cash in comparison. This is on of the evil sides of the business. The director of the movie was a great guy who worked on some big TV projects. He co-created a show called elephant parts in the early 80’s and directed dinosaurs for FOX in the 90’s. Side note: Met Red Green and helped me score role on duct tape.

Red Green Movie
		The movie that sold so many copies it never went gold but went duct tape. There is a back story to this picture that not many people know. I first met Steve Smith (Red Green) on the set of the Disney movie Santa Who. I spoke a little with him in between takes dressed as an elf. He was impressed with my acting enough that he asked me to audition for the role of the sheriff in the Red Green feature. From there I landed the role and spent the summer filming in various locations throughout Ontario.I really enjoyed myself and had high hopes that the picture would do well. It never did very well at the box office but very few Canadian films do. It found a life on video and TV. I rarely advertise that I was in this picture for standup shows. The main reason is the average Red Green fan would not find my standup that humorous. It is a family show and I respect that. Most Red Green fans don’t understand my fascination for third world hunger jokes or calling people fuckface.I have worked with Patrick McKenna (Harold) a few times since the film and he is one of the classiest guys. I shot a short film with him that is coming out in the late spring 2004. He is one of the few guys I can be around and not want to throw up because of how nice he is. I am sure he is proud of that.

Wild Iris
		Ok how many people can say they had a prosthetic cock with a guy working a pump..Marky Walberg and I. Backstory: a Showtime film that starred Laura Linney and Emile Hirsch. My job was to play a dirty gas attendant. The scene in the picture is me watching a TV show, where a women is getting smacked around and I get turned on. A bell goes off to signal someone needs gas and I just stare at the TV. The kid beside me looks at my bulge in my pants and says “I guess I will get it”. It took a few times to get the right amount of air in the plastic cock. I say the more the merrier which only works on this set and gang bangs.A little side note to this picture is that the kid (Emile Hirsch) who stared at my bulge is now the biggest thing in Hollywood. He starred in the “The Girl Next Door” and the “Dangerous Lives of the Alter Boys”. At the time he was just an up and comer and a really nice kid. Once he found out that I did standup he became my biggest fan that day asking all kind of questions etc. His dad was a nice guy as well and I had to tell him my act was not appropriate for a kid his age. At the wrap party (I never go to wrap parties normally cause they are uncomfortable for me) I was able to talk to him some more and I am really happy that a nice kid who worked hard made it. I think I am going to become nicer……yeah just like I am going to become the next big Alaskan water skier.

Don’t Say A Word
		The biggest movie that I have been in so far all and all three seconds of it was heaven. I had one scene with Michael Douglas. I played a janitor and he needed to get into a locked room. That was it. It took two days to film the scene from different angles. Michael was quite pleasant and remembered my name the second day. At that moment I thought, wow maybe he likes me and that he will say to me “You remind me of my friend Danny Devito”. Then I would meet Danny and any job he could not do I would do. To be the poor man’s Devito is better then being the poor man’s Canadian mascot king. Alas, it was not meant to be. To be honest I spent less time with Michael then you reading this paragraph.Everyone always asks about what he was like. To be honest I did not really say anything to him. He meets 200 guys like me a year. What am I going to say “Hey I loved you in Wall Street.” or my favorite “If you are tired of throwing it into your wife I wouldn’t mind a try.”There is a side story to this short adventure. The director did a great movie called “Things To Do In Denver When You Are Dead”. During a setup he came to me and said that he had heard I am a standup. I always get uneasy when this happens because then I have to try and be a dancing monkey. I can never be funny under these terms. We were about to film the shot of me opening the door for Michael. The director says to me “you have five minutes to think of something to make it funny.”Talk about pressure. There is no dialogue and barely any action. How could I make this shot funny. So what I added a line during rehearsal. As Michael walks through the door I say “If you need anything else (door shuts in face)…I will be right here”. Everyone laughs and the director says “Darren you know comedy!” Even Michael came back through the door nodding his head at me like he was saying “That’s what Devito would do.” Here is the problem in all show business…..film the rehearsal. The next time, when the camera was rolling the door slammed earlier and the scene was not as funny because of it. Comedy is timing people and after the flub of the door they cut the line. We went back to the basic shot and my chances of dining out with Michael were sabotaged. Michael call me please..call me.

Zeke		This is a short film shoot that is still being edited three years after we completed principle photography. It was a short about one mans war against biggest pest. It was shot in a day in black and white and I hope to one day at least see it so I can say “Darren keep the hair short”. For some reason I like these photos…I guess cause I did not know they were being taken so they are natural..naturally me sucking that is…or in my case that would be called Getting into Character.


Providence
		This is a 30 mintue short film that is currently in editing and will be making the rounds of short film festivals. We filmed this at the end of last year. I have yet to see it but I hope it turns out… everyone worked very hard on it. The thing about shorts is that you spend hours upon hours and in the end you ask yourself was it worth it.

Roy and Suzi
		This was the second video we shot in a day. Someone did not show up and we needed a female. Of course who has a wig and beddazler top in his trunk… yours truly? We had like ten minutes of tape left and we shot this three minute short. It is pretty twisted and it is one of the only videos I warn people about. This is not for everyone, in fact the costar Johnny Gardhouse refuses to even talk about it. I showed this at Clintons Pirate Video one night, and I have never heard 40 people collectively gasp at the same time. You have been warned… happy clappy fun boys stay home.

Stranded
		This was a short film that I did for the Canada Film Centre. In the past year I have done a few shorts for up and coming directors. This was the second project that I worked with this director. These shorts are shot and used for school. I played a guy shipwrecked with his brother and asshole friend.

Dean and Jerry
		I booked a small role on the Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis story that aired on CBS. I played a guy who pisses Dean off during a circus movie shoot. In the end they cut the scene but the director was a classy guy who sent the tape with the scene. He just said that sometimes these things happen. My big moment ruined. Sean Hayes played Jerry and he was a nice guy. Jeremy Notham played Dean and he was standoffish.